Tuesday, December 13, 2011

every time the rules change, you don't know how they change you

OK I'm actually in a really aggressive mood right now. My emotions lie somewhere in between exasperated and irritated as fuck, so bear with me. If this is interesting enough for you, keep reading, but don't judge. If it's too long for you, go fuck yourself.

I didn't move to Korean expecting to be romantically involved with anyone because I knew guys here would be different. I'm the type of girl who goes for the All-American boy (whether it be the sweet boy next door, to the badass dickface I hate falling for), and I knew in advance that type would be hard to find here. Korean boys, even the ones at this "international" school (where I'd say about 90% of the alumni are ethnically Korean), are definitely not like American guys in any which way. Not only the way they dress (cardigans, skinny jeans, loafers, anyone? Oh and don't get me started with the ear piercings), but also in personality (they are SUCH babies). But before I rant too much, I do want to put it out there that what I didn't expect was for them to actually be interested in me. Of course, I was open-minded (I've never dated an Asian guy but it's not like it's because I don't like them. That would be incredibly hypocritical/racist/absurd) to the notion of getting involved, but I didn't know it'd be this hard.

See, here in Korea, boys play hard to get. They do it consciously, and they do it to mess around with girls' heads on purpose. They act interested, then they fall off like leeches. One moment they're trying to convince you to go out with them, the next, they're hurt that you would even consider rejecting them and stop talking to you all together. I'm sorry... do guys have periods on this side of the world? Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

These are the kind of games GIRLS are supposed to play, not guys! Not in American standards anyway. Maybe my expectation of boys has become so high after growing up in the States (not that they were all that great even there), but isn't it common knowledge that boys do the chasing? Relationships are never easy, but now that I, for the first time, find myself constantly staring at my phone for a text message reply or staying on Skype til one in the morning in hopes that he'll come online so I can see his face that late in the night, I know why people come up with really depressing quotes and love songs and all that gooey shit.

I wasn't a bombshell in the States or anything, but guys definitely always came up to me when they were interested... and they stayed if the attraction was genuine. In some way, I even think I'm more "popular" at this school -- not in the conceited sense, but in that I'm well-known as not only the new girl in town, but also as the Twinkie as they maliciously call it. I know it's a derogatory term, but having never been referred to it before I moved to Korea, I'm not really going to let it get to me. It just means I'm Asian in physique but Western in ethics (yellow on the outside, white on the inside!) -- and it was definitely coined by some conformist Asian motherfucker who didn't fit into society after immigrating to the US. I don't want to sound condescending, but people are telling me that the more Korean kids are jealous of what I have -- the ability to speak fluently and live comfortably in a country everyone wants to speak fluently and live comfortably in -- so I'm not going to let their name-calling bother me. I'm sure if American kids were as blunt, egotistical, and publicly critical as they are, they would give them a whole lot of more shit than they could ever give to a 외국인 (Korean for "foreigner" as I'm called!) here. So I'll bite my tongue for now.

What I don't think I can hold in for too long, though, is the fact that my Twinkieness may be the reason guys are being so fickle around me. It's obvious they're interested (again, she said so humbly, but requests for phone numbers, comments/likes on all my Facebook pictures/statuses, and just plain being asked out, lol, gives me that impression. I'm not just fooling myself this time) but don't know how to keep a conversation alive. And they think that they can't keep my attention either. But the irony is that I am SO easy to please! I'm also very hard to anger, but more than a few times, boys here have pissed me off. I'm normally the chill one in the relationship (maybe not as chill as the guy... but he's always had to take part of the responsibility because I'd refuse to take it :p) but that's slowly changing. Huh. Maybe this gender reversal thing will give me a new perspective on relationships, which could potentially be a good thing. But for now, I hate it. I just want guys to approach me first again.

I'm compiling a bunch of random cheesy quotes because that's what I've been doing instead of studying for finals right now. Not all of it reflects my current mood, but it's definitely the kind of shit I find myself writing when I'm upset.

My love's labor:

Maybe one day you'll actually care about me.

When you love someone, you give them the unadulterated power to hurt you.

Truth is, I don't love you anymore. But it takes more than even you to destroy a girl like me.

I've accepted the fact that we can't be, but I've also accepted that you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one whose presence and thought is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots no matter how happy I am otherwise, and no matter how long its been.

We're all wandering straight along a crooked road.

Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you back, but I, for one, am not so self-serving as to let it.

Maybe if I wasn't so good at pretending to be happy, I might learn to actually be happy.

And these are a few I found and fell in love with:

Same old story that everybody knows: it's one heart holding on, one heart letting go.
-- Garth Brooks song

Just because her eyes don't tear doesn't mean her heart doesn't cry. And just because she comes off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong.
-- Unknown

Separate's always better when there's feelings involved.
-- OutKast song

To be with a man who hasn't tried every line, who hasn't broken up with a woman every which way you can break up with them, is kind of nice.
-- Uma Thurman

Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom. But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us, and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned.
-- Desperate Housewives
I would rather be hit than ignored. I know how bad that sounds. I needed to tell you. 
-- PostSecret revelation