4 Heart Review: How to Bake a Man by Jessica Barksdale Inclán

How to Bake a Man
Jessica Barksdale Inclán

Page Count: 280
Release Date: October 21st 2014 (paperback edition)
Publisher: Ghostwoods Books
Source: Complimentary advanced reading copy provided by tour publicist via publisher in exchange for an honest and unbiased review (thank you, TLC Book Tours and Ghostwoods Books!)
Rating: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

When 27-year-old Becca Muchmore drops out of grad school, all she has left to fall back on is her baking. Ignoring her mother’s usual barrage of disapproval and disappointment, she decides to start a small business hand-delivering her wares. A friend introduces her to an office of hungry lawyers, who agree to give her a try. Her lizard-booted neighbor Sal is happy to help out when he can, and almost before she knows it, Becca’s Best is up and running.

Before she can settle into a routine, things get complicated. The office ogress could easily be Becca’s sister and has absolutely no patience with cookies or other frivolities. Even worse, her boyfriend is the man of Becca’s dreams—kind, funny, successful, and brain-meltingly gorgeous. As the dark undercurrents threaten to pull her down, Becca swiftly finds herself neck-deep in office politics, clandestine romance, and flour. Saving her business (and finding true love) is going to take everything she’s got, and more.

Packed with charm, sparkling humor, and a genuinely unforgettable cast, this delicious tale of a woman struggling to find her path just might be Jessica Barksdale Inclán’s finest novel to date.

Buy the book from: Amazon | Barnes & Noble | The Book Depository | Books-A-Million | Publisher

Review

Coming-of-age stories are typical for YA audiences or teenage characters, but when they involve late-twenty-somethings in the backdrop of the bustling Bay Area, they unfold into an entirely different genre. Add a self-doubting underdog—our protagonist, Becca Muchmore—who has the power to cheer anyone up with her incredible baked goods, as well some ridiculously corny mishaps she encounters on her path to finding true love, and you've got How to Bake a Man, Jessica Barksdale Inclán's latest novel.

I'm new to this author, but was drawn to How to Bake a Man because it reads very contemporary—very feathery and cheerful and cutesy. The lightness of mood, however, comes at the expense of substance and depth, which this book thinks it has—slightly worse of an offense than a book that intentionally has no substance at all.

There are so many issues with the plot in terms of believability and (personal) tolerability, even for a romantic comedy-sque novel:

1. Becca Muchmore is a grad school dropout experiencing a crippling crisis after a terrible breakup.
Have we ever encountered anything more cliché?

2. To make ends meet, she starts a baked goods company, since baking has always been her lifelong passion. Immediately and effortlessly, she is picked up by the town's most prestigious law firm and asked to cater for their entire office; her business is a success right away.
Naturally.

3. At work, Becca meets Jennifer, the "ogress" of an antagonist of the story, who is her skinnier, prettier, smarter, wealthier, and more successful doppelgänger. She develops an obsession with Jennifer.
It is very uncomfortable.

4. Becca begins to suspect that Jennifer's equally perfect boyfriend is her soul mate. Her, as in Becca's, absolutely not Jennifer's.
Unrealistic dialogue and some very heavy petting occur.

5. Becca realizes she is terribly, terribly wrong about the soul mate thing... but all's okay because her actual soul mate turns out to be (at the last minute) her best friend. It was him all along! Surprise central!
As if the plot wasn't enough of a mess already.

Being a romance fanatic myself, I don't say this often... but the main love story should have been kept out of this book entirely. It would have made for a much cleaner, sharper novel about the coming-of-age of an unlikely heroine who finds herself, along with her true passions, by first being slammed with the harsh reality that is life. Instead, How to Bake a Man went the typical, overused route where Becca Muchmore faces a few career-related and personal complications (which, judging by the degree of their silliness and lack of depth, would only happen in some chick flick... or in this book) but instead ends up finding the love of her life in an unexpected—but entirely obvious—place.

Becca's obsession with Jennifer, her lookalike, is also really, really weird, and I don't understand how it even fits in with the main plot. There's so much concentration on this strange coincidence of her meeting a woman that could be her twin, that I thought the book was heading in the direction of The Parent Trap; alas, the situation didn't really give me such satisfaction, as it didn't have much purpose. 

What's so ridiculously unappealing to me is how lacking in dimension and originality all the secondary characters are. They are written with such forced humor that they become laughable tropes. The only non-singular character is Becca, whom I'm conflicted about because I at once hate her and like (not love) her. On one hand she's delusional and really slow-witted—neither lovable nor admirable—but on the other, she's genuine and klutzy in an endearing way. Inclán could have strengthened the book immensely just by revising Becca's character (not to mention that of the rest).

The saving grace of the book is how much attention is given to all the desserts Becca bakes. Scattered among the chapters, are anecdotes on how each of her sugary, buttery treats is meaningful to her, along with full recipes. The absurd story made me really angry, but the recipes left me starving.

I now have felt everything, having finally experienced what it means to be hangry.

Pros

Light-hearted tone, like a cheesy rom-com movie // Well paced // Inclán has a warm, attentive writing style that makes Becca, the narrator, seem more personable // Actual recipes from the story included!

Cons

My opinions are Becca are polarized; I find her at times endearing and at others, completely intolerable // Predictable friends-to-lovers romance subplot // Would have been better without the "happily ever after" romance, just as an adult coming-of-age novel // All secondary characters seem like plot devices rather than real people // Voice is easy to read, but tries WAY too hard to be funny... ends up being not even remotely funny

Verdict

If you're in the mood for a cheesy contemporary romance whose premise will give any far-fetched soap opera a run for its money, you'd best give How to Bake a Man a try. Following the quarter-life crisis of a woman with little confidence but lots of baking vision, this friends-to-lovers story has an amusing story line, but is abundant in problems with characterization, voice, and authenticity. I like that Jessica Barksdale Inclán pursued a baking enthusiast's take on chick lit, but found it to be too all over the place to take seriously. I could have appreciated it more if it was satirical, extraordinarily well-written, or "packed with charm, sparkling humor, and a genuinely unforgettable cast" as advertised, but sadly, it was none of the above 

4 hearts: So-so; reading this book may cause wrinkles (from frowning so much) (x)

4 Heart Review: Love with a Perfect Cowboy by Lori Wilde

Love with a Perfect Cowboy (Cupid, Texas #4)
Lori Wilde

Page Count: 384
Release Date: May 27th 2014
Publisher: Avon (Harper Collins)
Source: Complimentary copy provided by publisher via tour publicist in exchange for an honest and unbiased review (thank you, Harper Collins and Tasty!)
Rating: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

New York Times bestselling author Lori Wilde returns to Cupid, Texas, and asks the question: Do you ever forget your first love?

Melody Spencer had long-ago wiped the dust of Cupid, Texas, off her cute shoes... and done her best to forget the chiseled jaw and strong arms of cowboy Luke Spencer. Their families might be part of a long-time feud, but he was her very first love, even if it turned out they never wanted the same things.

But now Luke's come striding back into her life, tempting her with the memories of long, lazy evenings and hot, passionate kisses. And he has an ulterior motive—as Mayor of Cupid, he knows Melody's business savvy can help save their beloved hometown. His smooth talking might get her to Texas, but that doesn't mean he'll get her in his bed. Still, people do say love can be more perfect the second time around...

Buy the book from: Amazon | Barnes & Noble | The Book Depository | Books-A-Million | iTunes | Kobo | Google Play | Publisher

Review

Look what had happened when [Luke had] tried [dating Melody] fifteen years ago.
Ah, crap, he was setting himself up for a hard tumble down a rocky cliff.
Yeah? Guest what? He didn't give a good damn. He wanted her and that's all there was to it.

This is one of those second-chance love stories that I thought I'd enjoy—I mean, cowboys? Texas? A forbidden relationship? What's not to love?—but there are so many issues I had with it. It's not a complete carwreck, I'll admit; it has a linear plot, characters easy to sympathize with, and the occasional witty line. But overall, I just didn't find it a very palatable novel.

Melody Spencer traded the wide skies of Cupid, Texas for the bright lights of New York City fifteen years ago, and hasn't looked back since. When her first love—the one with whom things never worked out because of a family feud—shows up in the Big Apple at her weakest moment, begging for her help, she can't help but remind herself that—even though she left Cupid behind—it is where her roots are, and she needs to do her part to save the crumbling town.

The aspect of a family feud keeping the two once-lovers apart attempts to create a modern-day Romeo and Juliet story, but it just didn't seem very complicated or tragic to me. I know the taboo aspect of the relationship is supposed to be sexy, but because Lori Wilde gave no depth to either character, it was hard to follow the romance.

Melody and Luke's cheesy instalove is also a huge problem. The moment Melody lays her eyes on Luke—again—her knees weaken, she swoons, she realizes she still loves him, etc. etc. etc. Every other line in the book is Luke noticing Melody's beauty or intelligence or kindness, which isn't only irritating, but also detrimental to the story because it reduces Wilde's style to simplistic telling, not showing. The dialogue and superfluous descriptions are not only stilted, but they're also ridiculous; I was literally laughing at the writing.

A few examples of the cringe-worthy dialogue and wording:

"You're a terrific catch. Looks like someone would have snared you by now."
"Thanks for the compliment," he said. "But I could ask you the same thing."

...how romantic, how smoldering, how smooth!

A seductive purr hummed over her lips, and a heavy breath drove her exquisite tits straight up into his chest. Through flaring nostrils he inhaled her feminine aroma, the flirty flavor of spice, licorice, and kiwi perfume permeating his olfactory receptors, sailing into his brain, flitting between neurons and skimming over synapses, firing off a timeless male response.
Exotic.

...flaring nostrils? Olfactory receptors?? A timeless male response???? What the fuck!!

God, she was beautiful and sexy and irresistible. Luke genuinely liked her. She was quick-witted and professional, eager, goal-oriented, a real-go-getter. Beautiful and self-confident in maturity. Multifaceted.

...why don't we just put the thesaurus down, Lori, and stop going on like this..

She wriggled beneath him and he was instantly hard enough to cut sheet metal with his dick.

...well, at least it's original.

"Do you have any idea how damn sexy you are?" he whispered.
She laughed. (I would have laughed too.)
Of course she did, the seductive wench.

...seductive wench???/ ?? Is that normal??

Did she have any idea what she did to him? Wearing that little red dress held up by strips of material no thicker than a strand of linguini?

...beautiful and poetic, as you can see.

He imagined chewing those straps right off her body, and licked his lips.

...okay, this is where I lost it. As did Lori Wilde.

Pros

An okay standalone novel, although it's the fourth (and last) in the series // Quick read; fast-paced

Cons

Romance is hardly romantic // Even the plot outside the romance, regarding saving Cupid, isn't well done // Both characters are idiots—no character development or depth at all // Instalove... or re-instalove? // Everything, from the flirting, the backstory, and the sex, is stilted, rushed, and just hard to get into // Unrealistic // Annoyingly repetitive

Verdict

While the author hasn't committed any major crimes in Love with a Perfect Cowboy, it was a sore disappointment because of how shallow and lacking the characters, the romance, and the subplots were. The synopsis seemed intriguing, but the "forbidden relationship" isn't explored deeply and just comes off as outrageously ignorant, and the forced dialogue and laughable descriptions don't help its case either. Maybe diehard Lori Wilde fans will be able to enjoy this last installment in the Cupid, Texas series, but I sure don't recommend it 

4 hearts: So-so; reading this book may cause wrinkles (from frowning so much)(x)

4 Heart Review: The Weeping Empress by Sadie S. Forsythe

The Weeping Empress
Sadie S. Forsythe

Page Count: 242
Release Date: 1 December, 2011 (first edition)
Publisher: Lulu (self-published)
Source: Complimentary copy provided by author in exchange for an honest and unbiased review (thank you, Sadie!)
Rating: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Chiyo Alglaeca was happy in her life.

That is, until it was all taken away. Forced into notoriety, stalked by a mysterious cult, hunted by the emperor, and facing betrayal at every turn she clings to the only safety she can find: two enigmatic men and the sharp bringer of death, Salvation. The Weeping Empress explores the devastating effects of loss, the hunt for redemption, and the price of destiny. It questions the true meaning of evil and asks: What monster is not also an innocent?

Buy the book at: Amazon | Barnes & Noble | The Book Depository | Books-A-Million | Sony eStore | Kobo | Smashwords | Lulu

Review

Chiyo tossed, turned, and thrashed about both in reality and in the murky surrealism of her dreamscape. All around her people were dying. They were calling out to her, begging for a savior who wouldn't come. There was nothing she could do ... She ran, stumbled, picked herself up, and threw herself forward again, but she was never able to get away. She was never able to find the way out. She was never able to escape. She was trapped.

I really wanted to like this book because of the grippingly vague synopsis, but unfortunately the grippingly vague synopsis is exactly why I couldn't like it. I went into reading The Weeping Empress knowing neither the context nor the setting. Eventually Chiyo's sudden displacement is explained by a bit of spiritual power, a bit of time travel, but because it isn't stated explicitly, overall this book was very confusing and hard to keep up with.

The exodus of the goddess Kali wreaks havoc upon dynasty-era Japan, which is the time period to when Chiyo one day wakes up. The beginning of this book is awfully slow—as is the end, but at least stuff happens, then; I really had to struggle to get there. In fact, it isn't clear what's happened to Chiyo until the very last few pages, which does serve as a surprising, fitting plot twist, but I would have preferred not to plow through more than 200 pages to encounter it.

As Chiyo becomes unsettlingly involved in the social upheaval of the Samurai, her anger, vengeance, and mental instability soon make her realize the cruelty in herself, and the purpose it serves in fate's even crueler decisions.

I wish I had better things to say about The Weeping Empress but overall it's just excruciatingly sluggishly paced and most of the content doesn't flow well. The premise was promising, but the execution rather disappointing, and the characters unexplored.

Pros

Interesting insights on absolute power, deification, and spirituality // Great conclusion

Cons

Drags on a LOT // Ordinary style, sometimes confusing to follow // Plot is just an unmemorable jumble of battle sequences and folklore—easy to get lost in, and not in a good way // Flat, boring characters // I didn't even pick up on the Japanese Samurai theme until halfway into the story

Verdict

The adventure and edgy violence in The Weeping Empress may please some readers; this high fantasy novel has plenty of action and turmoil to go around. However, I was dissatisfied with it because of how hard it was to read—a result of its slow pace, mundane style, and lacking characters. I personally don't recommend this story about the warrior queen desperate to be saved; while reading, I was the one in desperate need of saving 

4 hearts: So-so; reading this book may cause wrinkles (from frowning so much) (x)

♥♥♥♥: Faerie Cake Dead by J.M. Griffin

Faerie Cake Dead
J.M. Griffin

Release Date: June 22nd, 2011

Publisher: CreateSpace

Page Count: 262

Source: Complimentary review copy provided by author, via Innovative Online Book Tours, in exchange for an honest and unbiased review (thank you both!)

Tea, trust, and trouble meet at Fairy Cake Junction!

When divorcee, Luna Devere, owner of Faerie Cake Junction, meets general contractor, Devin Radford, chaos reigns. Devin instantly wreaks romantic havoc in Luna’s life after she finds a corpse sitting in her tea shop as though awaiting tea.

The tea shop is surrounded by faerie folk who have befriended Luna. They know who left the dead man, but aren’t sharing. The sheriff is convinced Luna is daft and that she’s the culprit. Devin wonders just how odd Luna is... even though he’s drawn to her. And Luna’s ex-husband tries to incriminate her for reasons and purposes of his own.

What Stephanie Thinks: A cruel murder, inconsistent ransom notes, and a plot to frame—but life still goes on with Luna, her cat, and her cupcakes! Faerie Cake Dead is an upbeat, all's well ends well cozy mystery that has a touch of romance and an undertone of fantasy. Years after her divorce to the cold, ruthless Thomas Devere, Luna has managed to turn her life around and streamline it into the success of her cupcake boutique, Faerie Cake Junction. Despite the fact that town officials and some of her customers think her balmy for believing in faeries, who are her inspiration, she's never been better without Thomas, and is really starting to appreciate her prosperous business. Until he suddenly reappears in her life, that is, and a few other things turn astray as well.

The murderer who keeps planting dead or near-dead people in her shop obviously is someone who knows her well, someone who is out to assail her in every way—morally, financially, socially. Sexy handyman and widow Devin Radford offers her an emotional hand during Luna's time of desperation, which she reluctantly, but eventually accepts. But then falls in love with...? I don't get their relationship at all. Devin is way too forward with her, admitting he's in love with her off the bat, even though they've never met before these murders and break-ins took place, and though Luna's annoyed by his directness, she soon returns the feelings? Not believable at all. Neither character is grounded very well—they just swoon over themselves a lot and blame each other for each other's bumblings. I can't say I liked either of them, or their 'romance', for that matter. They both try too hard to come off as lovable, witty characters, but I just couldn't feel it. They lack originality as individuals and chemistry as a couple... does it get any more dull than that?

The murder case isn't very convincing, either. The characters act very unprofessionally and the resolution isn't shocking at all. There is tittering suspense along the way—Griffin is great at drawing out scenes to make readers keen on finding out who's behind the chaos—but the end result is devastatingly unsatisfying. This book is slightly more disappointing than the other novel I reviewed by J.M. Griffin, Murder on Spyglass Lane. It drags out a lot more, and has an even absurder romantic premise.

Unfortunately, I didn't enjoy the writing much either. There's nothing spectacularly wrong with it, all the grammar's fine and such, but it's just not interesting. Griffin's voice is just very blunt, uninspiring, and stale—the kind of prose that's bound to put me to sleep! There are some details I am fond of, however: Luna's cupcake business is cute, and the faeries are captivating. I do enjoy how the author manages to incorporate some magical elements to her contemporarily-set stories. I think the main idea is spot on—the arrangement of corpses is certainly shocking and Luna's business being sabotaged very realistic. However, Griffin's style's blandness and the story's overall lack of substance make the book a flop.

While there are certain things I did appreciate in Faerie Cake Dead, including the cheery tone, the exposition, and the faeries, it's something I do not recommend because it ultimately fails in both the cozy mystery and romance departments.

Stephanie Loves: "'My cat. Like most males, he's very pushy, tries to take over, and makes a general nuisance of himself."

Radical Rating: 4 hearts: So-so; reading this book may cause wrinkles (from frowning so much). ♥♥♥♥

♥♥♥♥: The Journey by Dan O'Brien

The Journey
Dan O'Brien

Release Date: April 16th, 2012

Publisher: CreateSpace (self-published)

Page Count: 176

Source: Complimentary copy provided by author in exchange for an honest and unbiased review (thank you!)

The Frozen Man. The Translucent Man. The Burning Man. The Wicker Man. The guide known only as the Crossroads, together these are the signposts and totems of the world that the being called the Lonely inhabits. Seeking out the meaning of his journey, the Lonely is a being consumed by philosophical inquiry and adventure. Filled with exotic places and age-old questions, the Journey is a book that seeks to merge the fantastical and real. Join the Lonely as he seeks out answers to his own existence and perhaps the meaning for us all.

What Stephanie Thinks: I will say I've never read a book quite like The Journey... I don't really know what much else I can say about it. The novel follows the spiritual (read: imaginary) voyage of a soul named Th'bir, who loses (though later rediscovers) his identity at the embarkment of realm in-betweens, and thus is referred to as The Lonely. At first, The Lonely is as confused and in the dark as readers are—he doesn't know who he is, where he's from, or what he's doing at the surreal crossroads of discovery, but he, and we, are soon to find out.

He is instructed to receive guidance from various beings, but they're not really beings, not really human. They aren't necessarily gods or spirits either. They just are. From the Frozen Man he learns of the "necessity of logic ... the infallibility of thinking and observing without emotional bias in order to find the meaning of things" (74), from The Burning Man, he discovers "the obscurity of definition, the reality of emotional content and the inspection of all things created and man-made to find out their deeper significance. To perhaps approach life and the realities of what that encompasses from a humanistic position, to see how they apply to the individual, not as a broad statistical judgment taken without relevance to how stratified life truly is." In other words, The Lonely is exposed to infinite, inconsistent ideas, and it is up to him to analyze and sort them out on his own. It is up to him to reconstruct himself out of the ideas he is thrown, and the long, grueling spiritual journey is where it will happen.

Existence, as well as the purpose of life and death are also pondered upon. While the notions and wisdom conveyed are thought-provoking—I found myself engaged in concepts that were always in the back of my head, but never really brushed upon until O'Brien mentioned them—I found this book overall to just be weird. There's no real plot, no real characters, no real point, and that to me, is unsettling. The structure is a mess, and the flow very hard to follow. I'd love so much to just accept a story like this for how it is, in all of its philosophical and psychological disarray, but I could hardly make sense of, let alone enjoy it, so I'm afraid it isn't something I could recommend.

Dan O'Brien is not a letdown with words, though. His style is lush and fast-paced, nothing I have to dig too deeply with, very easily skimmable. Which is why it's a shame how the absence of essence made The Journey a difficult read. Reminiscent of Nicolai's The Case, the cluttered plot, unclear intention, and ambiguous storyline constitute this story, and they really are all it has to offer. This book is very new age-y—strange, but not in an intriguing way, just in a "what the fuck did I just read" way. Maybe after a bit of polishing and refinement, I could try this one again, but for now, no thank you.

Stephanie Loves: "'Men find validity in their lives from histories and proofs, ignoring the mysterious beauty that surrounds them and the thrall of those things unexplained. Babies grow into children and then into adults. First, they are cared for greatly for in order to be able to care for the generation next and so on, as needed. However, in youth there is a time during which we learn of something that we often too easily let go of: imagination."

Radical Rating: 4 hearts: So-so; reading this book may cause wrinkles (from frowning so much). ♥♥♥♥

♥♥♥♥: Bottom Dwellers by Shane Etter

Bottom Dwellers
Shane Etter

Release Date: April 7th, 2011

Publisher: Black Rose Writing

Page Count: 159

Source: Complimentary copy provided by author in exchange for an honest and unbiased review (thank you!)

After suffering a stroke, forty-eight year old, karate black belt Patrick Dylan is scuba diving in Lake Lanier for exercise and therapy. He encounters green skinned mutant people with gills who have been living there for more than fifty years, since the lake was created. While diving, Patrick also meets beautiful Park Ranger Trudy Price who soon becomes his fiancée.

Just as with all people, there are good and bad among the bottom dwellers of Lake Lanier. Patrick battles with the bad and is surprised by the good.

Thinking that they have left subterranean life in the deep waters of the lake, Patrick and Trudy get married and head to New York City for their honeymoon. When they are visiting the Cloisters Museum, a curator is found murdered. They are thrust into the investigation and discover another subterranean culture: The Mole People of underground Manhattan, denizens of the abandoned subway and train tunnels. Patrick and Trudy are once again coping with good and evil among a different kind of bottom dweller.

What Stephanie Thinks: The prospect of this sci-fi novel is extremely engaging. I love 'other world'-type stories, with different races, especially if they have histories behind them. In Bottom Dwellers, the Bottom Dwellers came into existence when a subterranean city was covered by a dam and some of its townspeople refused to take refuge, while the Mole People formed as a result of poor living conditions and preferential outcasting. This, in my opinion, demonstrates a high level of imagination on Etter's part. Unfortunately, the story fell immensely stale because of the author's lack of writing style and lack of acceptable structure.

The book is easy to read, with large font and less than 200 pages. I probably read it in two or three sittings, not having enjoyed one. I really wanted to like this novel but the rigid and awkward tone that Etter uses makes it impossible. He describes in excruciating detail, the little insignificant parts of the book (every phone call between Patrick and Trudy, every nightly routine, every driving scene) but skirts over the major parts with equal drawing-out. This not only is a turn-off for me as a reader, but also as for me as a writer, who knows better than to make such mistakes.

The dialogue is probably what irks me most. It's very idealistic (i.e. would only happen in someone's mind, or with between thick people) and again, awkward. I can't ever see it happening. For instance, here's the engagement scene, which takes the sentiment out of any idea of 'proposal' I ever had:

She squealed with excitement, but said, 'Isn't this a little sudden?'

I said, 'When you know, you know, and I'm not getting any younger.'

'Well, that's true. You aren't getting any younger and you probably should get married. So, okay. I'll marry you.'

'Thank you.'

I'm sorry, but what the fuck was that??

In terms of organization, there really is none. Perspectives shift randomly, without page breaks or even line breaks, for that matter, which makes any instant understanding of the book's situation very confusing. Chapters are cut off at random moments, rather than at suspenseful peaks or resolved conflicts, which is both irritating and detrimental for the plot.

It would be a really long stretch for me to recommend this book. Some novels, I can definitely say and know just weren't for me, while others, I get a feeling can't be enjoyed for the majority. I personally did not like it (reading it was easy; taking it seriously was tough), although I was impressed with the idea of Bottom Dwellers and Mole People. I also gained great knowledge for scuba-diving, which was pretty cool. But aside from those few things, this book is a page short of a tragedy.

Stephanie Loves: "'I knew I smelled a rat. If you weren't a girl I'd show you what I could do.'
'If I wasn't a lady I'd kick YOUR ass.'"

Radical Rating: 4 hearts: So-so; reading this book may cause wrinkles (from frowning so much). ♥♥♥♥

♥♥♥♥: The Memoir of Marilyn Monroe by Sandi Gelles-Cole

The Memoir of Marilyn Monroe
Sandi Gelles-Cole

Release Date: April 22nd, 2011

Publisher: Gelles-Cole Literary Enterprises

Page Count: 178

Source: Complimentary copy provided by author, via Pump Up Your Book Promotions, in exchange for an honest and unbiased review (thank you!)

Marilyn Monroe is 85, the victim of a fire set purposefully to destroy her. This is the memoir she writes of what really happened from the night she was rescued in August, ‘62 until June 1st, 2011 when the book starts, her 85th birthday.

Told in her own voice and propelled by the various lifestyles she tries on in her search to dig beneath the character that she created for the movies to the real woman inside, the book is two stories. While we read to learn what caused the horrible accident that ruined her face, she writes of her recovery from the addictions that subsumed her in Hollywood, her life as an average woman traveling with a young lover in Europe; her final goodbye to DiMaggio. As a senior citizen, Marilyn’s face is recreated she tells what happened to her fortune and then how she supported herself, how it felt when her face and body aged, how lust continued into her late years and how she fell in love when she thought all of that was behind her.

The Memoir of Marilyn Monroe is a mix of fiction, myth, and Marilyn history.

What Stephanie Thinks: The concept of a fictionalized memoir is interesting and intriguing. It's like fan fiction, only it's based off reality, and it's fueled by the mystery and sketchy details surrounding a tragic event that our country has suspected multiple conspiracies about.

I wanted to enjoy this book so much. Marilyn Monroe is personally one of my favorite actresses of all time. Aside from the scandals and success that followed her around, she was beautiful in the most genuine, remarkable way. She wasn't a perfect size 00 and had acknowledged body image issues; yet she still managed to retain her image as America's sweetheart and most famous sex symbol. She died a legend, and with The Memoir of Marilyn Monroe, this legend is inverted. Because Marilyn didn't actually die. Marilyn actually faked her death, with the help of her ex, the infamous Joe DiMaggio, and spent the rest of her life regretting it. She became a normal person, a nobody, and is finally able to tell her story—the real story.

Unfortunately, this book is everything but the initial "interesting and intriguing" I hoped it to be. The writing is very bland and ill-structured; I wonder if Gelles-Cole had an editor. Most of the book seems to focus on Marilyn's alcoholism and recovery (or lack thereof), as well as the various romps and roadtrips she had as she aged, but I can't find an actual aim to this book. It's entirely pointless, and I still can't figure out why the author chose to ramble on and on about Marilyn's supposed life after death, because it ends abruptly and without a climax. Heck, there isn't even any rising action at all. Things happen, people speak, but nothing really crafts together to make a good novel.

I finished the book because the vocabulary is easy and font is large. At less than 200 pages, I read this in a few sittings. However, the writing is difficult to follow, and I found myself skimming a lot, because most of the text doesn't contribute to the main issue (not that there really is any main issue, in the first place). I really had to trudge through this one, and can't say I recommend it.

Stephanie Loves: "I started to understand that a person could be happy for herself, that you did not need an audience to smile. It was awakening."

Radical Rating: 4 hearts: So-so; reading this book may cause wrinkles (from frowning so much). ♥♥♥♥

♥♥♥♥: What I Learned Under the Sun by Kyle L. Coon

What I Learned Under the Sun
Kyle L. Coon

Page Count: 234
Release Date: 10 June, 2010
Publisher: self-published
Source: Complimentary copy provided by author, via LibraryThing, in exchange for an honest and unbiased review (thank you!)

People go through life and wonder, what if I had? What if I opened that door? What if I had gone right instead of left? What if I had more time? Where would my journey have taken me if I had made another decision?
Is it a mystery or is our journey all part of God's plan that will lead you to your final destination under the sun? In What I Learned Under the Sun, the only requirement is to have faith even against seemingly insurmountable odds.
So many things happened in my life where the odds of them happening were inconceivable, virtually impossibly; my journey could have come only from a Higher Power, because my life is truly unbelievable. I learned Under the Sun you have to live by faith and when the Lord opens doors for you and gives you a sign... walk through it! That door will change your life forever.

What Stephanie Thought: Kyle L. Coon presents an incredibly touching and simply unbelievable memoir in What I Learned Under the Sun. In exquisite precision and detail, he describes the things he has done—and hasn't done—in his lifetime, and in the end, shows the reader how blessed he is to have a life under the sun that he has grown to love through thick and thin, warts and all.

Beginning from his early adulthood, Coon displays the young and carefree innocence exhibited within himself. Living in sin with his then-girlfriend, Brenda, he realizes that not always are two perfectly nice people meant to be together. He then goes on explaining marriage to his beautiful wife, Marlene, and details the success and happiness he achieves then.

However, that's the end of the happy-go-lucky story in Coon's life. Soon, he discovers even under God, Satan will always find its way to shine through, when it is revealed that Marlene becomes irresponsible, going to bars at night, and randomly hooks up with other men. It's all turmoil from there, including severe bankruptcy and divorce conflicts. For three years, he describes how he was unable to see his two daughters, due to Marlene's false accusations that he was an abusive dad. Battling custody rights, Coon is able to hold his head high without ever giving up, because he knows the Lord's power is by his side.

The inconsistency of grammar and spelling is heavy, which made reading dreadful. I could not go a sentence without finding some sort of mistake, including "your/you're", missing punctuation, unnecessary punctuation, random symbols like ~ and ,,, and THIS that should never be seen in a book of text, and incorrect usage of quotation marks, bold, and italics. It was extremely annoying that Coon did not bother to edit the text. The story itself was very profound and had potential, but its illegibility made it just impossible. 

I found myself rooting for Kyle because he seems like such a kind, generous man, which I am sure he is. His life is an amazing one, and I really enjoyed reading about his struggles—and what he went through to overcome them. However, he seriously needs an editor. I know he has a follow-up memoir coming out called What I Did Under the Sun, that will detail on what happened after he gained custody of his daughters from his malicious ex-wife, so I look forward to reading that.

Stephanie Loves: "What I Learned Under the Sun is people come into your life [and] leave a lot of happy memories that last forever."
 
Radical Rating: 4 hearts: So-so; reading this book may cause wrinkles (from frowning so much). ♥♥♥♥