Monday, January 31, 2011

like monet was meant for black and white

Look at this picture. Look at this picture and tell me what you see. Claude Monet is one of the most accomplished, talented artists that has ever graced the surface of this earth. Claude Monet uses color -- vivid, vital color. But without it, his artwork is just blobs. Depressed, sunken, upsetting strokes of paint. They are no longer beautiful. They are nothing.
Sigh...well you saw this rant coming. I talk about boys (a lot) and usually they stem off of the frustrations and delights I experience with them (him) every day. I've been single since September, and I haven't been drowning in my own misery or anything, but I've been relatively unhappy. It's not just about the boy I guess. One of my best friends moved to North Carolina. My mom got a professorship at Ajou so she moved -- taking my little sister with her. It's me and my dad now, which I want to so much believe is not too bad. I know for sure it isn't fun. The last bit of 2010 really sucked, especially without a guy in my life. It's hard going to school, not seeing his face (he's a freshman...in college) but expecting to. It's hard trying to meet new people because I hate feeling obligated to be attached to someone.

Seth (I'm using his middle name for the sake of anonymity) is only my third or fourth real boyfriend. I've dated guys in the past and since Seth and I broke up, but not enough to be comfortable with associating them as my "boyfriend"s. It's different. Just a guy you're seeing, and a guy you want to be with.

I would really love to say I'm one of those girls who doesn't need a boyfriend, but to be honest, I hate being single. I tell myself every day of my singleness (singularity? solitariness?) that I should be happy to not be tied down to one guy, and to not have to worry about him. Yeah, guys create drama, but I'm like this drama-whore and I invite all the drama in. I love it. I breathe it. Actually, no. I hate it. I want to slaughter it over and over again with a sharp object. At the same time, I would be nothing without it. Does anyone know what I mean? Life would be so much simpler without guys. Without heartbreak. But in a world without boys, there would be nothing really to live for in the first place.

Yes, Seth  and I are back together. I am not quite sure what "back together" really means but something is happening. We were "together" for less than a year last year, and it was incredible. It was everything a beautiful relationship should be, and more. Late 2009, we were together, and we had everything. It was the first time I learned that one plus one did not equal one. One plus one should equal One. Always.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. What we had was worth a million.
Things, like they will do over time, got rocky before the 2010-2011  school year began. We spent about one month of the summer together, but then we parted ways (I went to Calgary with my family in July, he moved to Baltimore for med school). Obviously since I'm still in school, we knew it would take a toll on our relationship once he was at his new school. So we decided we would end it with mercy and with peace.

But suddenly he's back in my life -- after a semester of almost no contact (besides when he texted "Happy New Year!!" on New Year's Eve...I didn't text back) -- he shows up at my goddamn DOOR. I was eating yogurt in my rugby sweats at the time. The last thing I wanted was to see, to touch, him. He was all "I miss you so much" and I was like "It's been a while, Seth" and after an hour, it was time for him to leave because -- look, my dad's home. But it ended with a kiss.

It always ends with a kiss.

The hardest part was telling Vick (also using middle names...well it's Victor but that sounds odd). Vick was the guy I was seeing (define "seeing". I see people everyday) before this miraculous disaster (oxymoron!) happened. Like I said, I went out with guys after the Breakup, but Vick was probably the closest to "boyfriend" I had, out of all of them. He's a nice guy; cute, funny, goes to my youth group, and is on the Boy's Rugby Team at school. Perfect for me, right? Wrong. Because he's not Seth.

I felt uncouth saying to him: "Yeah, we should see that movie tonight. Oh by the way, Seth and I are back together". It sounded like something straight out of The Maury Show (only...not involving paternity tests). I mean, you can't just dump a guy you're with -- too distant to call your boyfriend, too intimate to call a date -- because you're back with your ex. Well, you can, but I can't. It kind of went like this:

Vick: You should put on your coat, it's chilly.
Me: Yeah. Listen.
Vick: Do you need a ride home?
Me: [seriously contemplating] Yeah, but can we talk?
Okay, first of all -- is "can we talk?" an old line? I've never officially broken up with anyone before so I wouldn't know. Does it sound stupid? Ominous? Overused?
Vick: Yeah sure. [opening the car door for me] Hop in.
Me: Thanks. Um. So I had lunch with Seth yesterday.
Vick: Yeah?
Me: Yeah. [painfully long pause] Nothing happened.
Was that my first mistake? Would you call getting back together with an old flame nothing?
Vick: I believe you.
Me: But we were thinking...I mean...he's going to be back for spring break.
Vick: ...
Me: And he told me he still has feelings for me.
Vick: ...
Me: And I might still have feelings for him.
Overrated? Overused? AM I AN IDIOT??
Vick: Are you two back together?
Me: ...sort of.
We didn't talk for the rest of the car ride, which was not only awkward, but also a little sad. Vick is usually talkative. He's the one that always tries to break ice. Once we got to my house:
Me: Are you cool with it? Me and Seth?
Vick: [drawing out this huge whoosh of air] I'm not sure what I think.
Me: I'm really sorry.
Did that sound insincere? Overrated? Overused?
Vick: Well. I hope you know what you're getting yourself into.
Me: Me too.

And then I hugged him. For a really long time. I don't know what I was thinking. The worst part is, I had the hardest time letting him go. I just didn't want to go inside my house, say hi to my dad, get ready for bed, wake up for school the next morning. It seemed unnatural. Cruel. He didn't pull away or anything but he didn't exactly hug back. It was a brief squeeze, then his arms went slack.

It always ends with a hug.

That was a week ago. Seth came over for the weekend, but I haven't seen Vick around. And I feel awful.

BUT.

I've never been happier in my life. Seth and I aren't the kissy-kiss deliriously ecstatic couple the second time around, but we seem so right. I've never every wanted or needed anything or anyone more.

I am just so confused. Content, but confused. I hate boy drama. I love it.
And of course you can count on me to over-analyze all of this and ramble on and on and on about it to someone who could care less: the Internet. But I need to vent somehow.

Why do boys do this? Why do they ignore you, why do they steal your heart -- only to come back with it after an excruciating long time? I was finally starting to find myself again; myself as a strong, independent girl. One who didn't need a boyfriend.

I also found out that Seth's been with this girl since September -- one whose name I won't mention (mainly because I'm not sure what her middle name is). He admits to cheating on her a few times, though. I should be really concerned. But I'm thrilled.

I am a selfish, rotten person.

I am loved.

If you've ever been in love, I hope you understand that I really am not trying to be selfish. If you haven't, then I really hope you find it sometime. I hope everyone finds it sometime.

I don't know if you've ever loved someone as much as I do. I don't know if you've ever lost someone you've loved, only to get a second chance. I sound old for my age, don't I? Still. I may be naïve, inexperienced, and oftentimes foolish, but I know that I'm doing the right thing for me. For us. No doubt I am setting myself up for another heartbreak, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.