Monday, October 18, 2010

The Trouble With Women

I had a funny, funny conversation with my friend Drake, yesterday. We were sophisticatedly debating court terms, a discussion of intellectuals:

Me: So a defense's stipulation in session benefits the prosecution, right?

Him: No, you have it all wrong.

Me: Well, excuse me for being legally retarded!

My words had not come out exactly how I had imagined them in my head.

Me: Don't give me that look, you knew exactly what I meant. I understand my stipulations perfectly, thank you.

Him: In that case, you'd make a good lawyer.

Me: Maybe if lawyers had a good fashion sense, though. I would NEVER wear a solid business blazer with a shadowed pencil skirt.

Then he did something very disturbing, which was quote Legally Blonde:

Him: The rules of hair care are simple and finite... any Cosmo girl would have known.


(...an elongated awkward silence later).

Him (looking straight at me): STEPHANIE.


Who, me?
Okay, now it wasn't entirely my fault that I happened to have my little compact out, right then. I wasn't actually putting on makeup in that classroom or anything, I was just checking on my mascara. It was him to blame really, for pulling out such an irrelevant topic out when we had been discussing law, for crying out loud. Plus, guys are really annoying when they quote movies.

I by all means, am not any sort of beauty queen. I own more tubes of lipgloss and sticks of eyeliner than absolutely necessary, but these days, what girl doesn't? But what Drake said to me actually sort of offended me. Was he really comparing me to Elle Woods? It just wasn't right.

The entire carride home, I was silent (not normal for Stephanie, not normal at all). I slowly trudged to my room, took out my binders, textbooks, and other crap to prepare for an evening of funfunfun work. It was when I was digging in my front pocket of my backpack in search of a pen, my worst of fears was confirmed: I was actually, legitimately a Narcissist.

How did I come to this conclusion? Let's see here... All I wanted was a pen. A pen, that's all. Here's what I grabbed before I actually found my pen, however:
  1. Three tubes of mascara
  2. One tube of Lancôme mascara base
  3. One bottle of Binaca breath spray
  4. One packet of Listerine breath strips
  5. One ColorStay eyeshadow pallette
  6. One UbyKotex tampon
  7. One eyelash comb
  8. Two tubes of lip balm
What this indicates about my character, I'm not so certain. Actually, I'm very certain. It's clear that I am a freak about my eyelashes and I have exceptionally stinky breath. Don't believe me?

Maybe Drake was correct to call me a "Cosmo girl" (whatever the hell that means, anyway), after all. By the way, did you know Cosmopolitan is not only a teeny weeny alcoholic beverage, but also a women's sex magazine? Just wanted to be thoughtful and enlighten you.

If you're wondering what's wrong with me right now, I'll have you know I am being an excellent procrastinator. It's 11.43 pm and I still haven't completed my literature essay (due for the seminar tomorrow... hurray!)